Lost in Obligation

a week of firsts

2012-02-01T22:52:00.001-06:00

My very first set of business cards arrived a few days ago. =) Makes me feel all grown up.

My first business trip is coming up on Friday.

My first ... company computer built for my specific needs ... arrives either Friday or some time next week. (I've been using older computers - and my CTO finally decided that the lag was affecting my efficiency. I can't record a video without it skipping slides and animations ...)

So - career-wise ... well - marketing career-wise - things are going really (I mean REALLY) well.

countdown to friday

2012-01-30T23:34:00.001-06:00

Boots ... check
Coat ... check
Business Attire ... almost there

I really hate shopping.

you shouldn't leave las vegas

2012-01-25T21:15:00.000-06:00

Meda Chesney-Lind (sometimes referred to as the mother of feminist criminology) is going to speak at UNLV on the 1st.

Nour, what's the big deal?

She is pretty much the person that I wanted to be when it came to criminal justice and research. This woman took all those studies that had been done over the years and asked the simple question, "what about the girls?" She brought female delinquency to the forefront, and helped the criminal justice community understand that you can't apply the same methods to females as you can males. That female delinquency is often triggered by different things than male delinquency.

I have read countless studies, articles, etc written by her. She is quoted in every single one of my research papers - which would make sense considering they always had to do with women and crime (in some way, shape or form).

I am so beyond bummed that I'm going to miss this ... I think I'd be completely speechless if I ever had the opportunity to meet her.

=( Sad panda.

On a side note .. I miss criminal justice.

it's only monday

2012-01-23T23:40:00.004-06:00

It doesn't feel like Monday - and I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing ...

Today, I was added to a group on Facebook ... for my high school class' 10 year reunion. Yes, it has been 10 years since I graduated from high school. I feel sick to my stomach ... not because of the 10 years ... I could care less how many years it has been since "back in the day" ... But, just thinking about high school ... and all that that entailed.

Looking over that page, I realized that these 100+ people knew me for more than just a few months or a few classes, but 4 years. It's been a long time since I've been in that sort of environment. Everywhere I've gone over the past few years has involved starting over with a new life (almost), having to meet new people and make new friends ... (mostly unsuccessful, but a "go" nonetheless).

While the moves have been somewhat successful ... Master's degree ... a job ...they have also left me relatively isolated. I don't really know what it's like to be around friends anymore. It's been over a year - with only a handful of visits back to California ... which have left little to no time to just "hang out" or "go to lunch" or "go to a coffee shop" with someone and just talk about random things. Phone calls are awful substitutes. They leave my arm numb (still losing feeling in that thing), and my ear burning.

Anyway - I don't really want to go to the reunion, but I guess we'll see how I feel when it comes around.

too slow

2012-01-14T00:25:00.000-06:00

I'm not healing fast enough.

At least that seems to be the general consensus.

I think I need to put on another mask. One that's less transparent. One where people think I am magically cured ... and everything is rainbows and butterflies. I mean part of the process is to strip those masks - but every time I do, I end up with more wounds.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that this is taking a long time. I'm sorry that you feel helpless. I'm sorry that I'm not goal-oriented enough. I'm sorry that I don't push myself enough. I'm sorry that I don't seem like I want to heal. I'm sorry that I even open my mouth. I'm sorry that you have to pretend that the stigma doesn't bother you, despite the fact that your actions say otherwise. I'm sorry that you don't understand, that you can't wrap your head around it, and all of the above.

You say that you understand that this didn't happen overnight. But then you tell me that it's been a year ...

A year ... to cope with 27 years of continuous shit storms.

Nour, you're so negative.

Yeah. Well, "no" is the first part of my name.

when it rains

2012-01-10T20:36:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, Houston tried to make up for the drought in a single day, but the drought didn't happen overnight. We were left with flooded streets, and a tornado or two that touched down outside Katy. I made it to work and back, but it was a slow day.

Moving from the literal to the figurative, I have this great job opportunity that is being overshadowed by the fact that my current employer is all kinds of upset with me for even considering taking on this venture ... even though, it won't interfere at all with my current position.

On one hand, you'd think it a bit flattering in that they think that I would leave them so soon. So, they value me as an employee. On the other hand, this is an opportunity for growth - which happens to be in the same field I'm already working in. Marketing, for clarification. I can only get better with each experience and, in that, bring more to the table, right? I mean .. I hope ...

But ... I've been sitting here ... throwing my hands up in the air (figuratively), thinking about how I was unemployed for a full year after graduating with my masters. Actually, a full year and 5 days to be exact.

Dear Opportunity,

I think you need a calendar. This overbooking has got to stop.

Thanks.

PS It's okay though. Thank you for coming along!

l2hug

2012-01-03T23:17:00.001-06:00

I think there should be a class on how to give hugs. Very few people can give decent hugs. For someone who doesn't really like physical contact in the first place, I welcome hugs ... and when they're crap ... well, it makes physical contact even more uncomfortable and ... painful (though, that's not quite the word I'm looking for).

I think I'd rather be hug-rejected, than accept a hug that's awful.

Yes, it really bothers me.

they speak English in "What"?

2012-01-01T03:26:00.000-06:00

I didn't really do anything last night. At midnight, I was watching Pulp Fiction while working on a presentation. *shrug* My kind of night.

Yesterday, I went to a place called Texas Art Supply. Think: Giant Art Store. It reminded me of a place in Orange County that closed called Sterling Art. I used to spend hours in there ... wandering the aisles.

Needless to say, it was awesome.

It's been a while since I've painted. The last piece I did was a portrait of Jim Morrison shortly after my birthday. Aziz keeps reminding me that I need to paint some pieces for him, so that he can decorate his place. He wants to pay me for my paintings. Silly boy. I told him he could buy me art supplies for my birthday, instead. (Yes, 10 months from now.)

My family comes back tomorrow. =) I've missed them far too much. I mean, it's strange to think that I grew up with only seeing them once a year, if even. (Granted, that's more than my family in Lebanon, whom I've seen a grand total of 4 times.) But, now, I've essentially spent an entire year+ with them, with the longest time apart being ... the 5 days I was in California for Thanksgiving. And, even then, by the 4th day, my cousin wrote on my Facebook wall that it was time for me to come home. I agreed.

from where no light can escape

2011-12-30T21:22:00.000-06:00

Earlier this week I found out that a girl I went to school with committed suicide. My heart hurts.

I don't know why it's affecting me this way. We weren't friends ... but, I knew her. I spent time with her. We were in the school musicals together.

I may have just been a kid in the grade below, but I remember her. Vividly. I can kind of hear her voice. I hate my memory.

Depression is not "all in your head" ... it's not just "sadness" ... it's beyond that ... a black hole of sorts, gravitational pull and all.

"Just be happy." "Be positive." "Life's too short." My all-time favorite and guaranteed to make me resent you: "Someone has it worse." Fuck those sayings.

Yeah, I cursed.

Christmas is the best lazy day ever

2011-12-25T13:38:00.004-06:00

I have been neglecting this blog a bit. Granted - the last thing I want to do after coming home from work is sit in front of a computer.

Last week, our CTO called me into his office and offered me a full-time position as a Marketing Coordinator starting January 1st. =) Criminal Justice degrees .... Marketing career ... what?! Even so, I like that I get to be creative.

There really isn't much else going on ...

Oh, my painting sold for $50 at the auction ... still a bit heartbroken that I let a painting go.

yeah, december

2011-12-01T22:36:00.001-06:00

2011 has gone by really quickly. Tuesday will mark a year in Texas ... and a year of crazy changes. A job, a new car, back to working on my emotional/mental health, more paintings ... Some say laughter is the best medicine, but I think they really mean Texas.

I'm starting to embrace my position as a marketing specialist. I figure that if I'm going to work and they're going to pay me, I might as well be effective. Little did I realize that picking up a book on marketing, along with the magazine, Entrepreneur, would have me completely captivated and (dare I say) somewhat excited about the opportunity to design an entire marketing strategy from the ground up. It's a blank slate and I have the creative freedom to, kind of, do whatever I want. Pretty spiffy.

On the creative note, I am donating one of my paintings to the Memorial High School Orchestra for their silent auction fundraiser. This is new territory for me. I have never sold a painting, and the only people who "own" any of my current pieces are Aziz and myself. This is an interesting and unique opportunity. I'm donating Jimi Hendrix.

While I post the majority of work on my deviantArt account, I figure that I might want to have a more ... "professional" site representing my work. I don't know how people would feel about going to MurderofMyMind.deviantart.com ... even if they are song lyrics. I'm still working on setting it up, but this is the temporary slightly more professional site/ portfolio: TheNour.blogspot.com.

horrible at updates

2011-11-11T21:19:00.004-06:00

This blog has been relatively useless at keeping you updated on my life happenings.

Nothing has really "changed" all that much between now and then, to be honest. Working one job - 9 to 5 every weekday. The weekends ... come and go ... and then the week starts again.

I'm coming home for Thanksgiving and I'm counting down the days. I never thought that I would be counting down the days for a trip to California. I've been missing it more than I ever have. I've been missing my mom more than I ever have. Not that I haven't missed her before. I have, but not this way ... with an insane need and desire to just be around her ... because I love her to pieces.

Other than that ... my birthday was just another day, but with more Facebook notifications. True story.

Well, my soul is in serious need of a paint session ... so I think I'm going to hop off of this computer and grab my tools.

the opening that was grand

2011-10-28T07:00:00.001-05:00

I must admit that I was a bit sad when I heard that Borders was closing its stores. Over the years, I had grown to prefer it over Barnes & Noble. Even so, that sadness was short lived when I read that Guitar Center was taking the place of the bookstore closest to us.

The grand opening was last night. So, I picked up my cousin from school and headed over there - only to find a line that stretched through more than half of the shopping center. We stayed though ... even though we were outside for an hour before we set foot in the store ... even though it rained on us and neither of us had a sweatshirt or an umbrella on hand.

What did we get from all of this? An experience, a free t-shirt and a rejuvenated enthusiasm for our respective instruments (him: drums/percussion; me: guitar/bass).

another strange experience

2011-10-18T07:30:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago, I was eating lunch alone at a restaurant when three girls approached my table. One looked at me and said, "Hi. I know this may seem a bit strange, but is there anything that you want me to pray for?" I must have given her quite the confused look. She continued, "I just felt this energy towards you and I feel like God is telling me that I need to pray for you. I wrote something on a piece of paper ..." She pulled out a piece of paper and pointed to what she had written. "See, it says 'Girl in all black,' and then I saw you and I knew that it was you. So, is it okay if we pray?"

Caught a bit off guard, I asked, "Now?"

"Yeah. Or we can go outside, whatever is more comfortable for you."

"Well, I appreciate it and you are more than welcome to pray, but it's just not really my thing."

"Oh, that's okay. Well, can I have your name?"

I gave her my name, she told me hers - as did the girls who came with her. Then she went in for a handshake, but my hands were dirty, so I got the sympathetic rub on the arm with head tilt and smile. "Jesus bless you," she says and walks away.

hello, Time, it's been a while

2011-10-16T09:26:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting here at home ... on a Sunday, which is strange - considering the past few Sundays have been spent at Macy's ... working a 12 hour shift from 7 AM to 7 PM because they know that I'm one of the few who is willing to stay longer than usual to "push out." ("Push out" means taking the racks of merchandise to their respective departments.) My last day at Macy's was Thursday (five months to the day that I was hired ...). It was an interesting run, to say the least. They took a chance on me and, for that alone, I am grateful.

I have mixed emotions about leaving. I knew that it was time and that, honestly, it was unhealthy for me (emotionally, physically*, etc). I did like being busy though - despite the fact that it kept me relatively exhausted, where, in order to function at my morning job, I'd have to ingest energy drinks.

What am I going to do now? Well, look for another job. I still have a job - and I could probably just run on that one alone for a while. The downside is that my degrees remain on the back burner. And, on that note, I can segue into point #3 from the previous post ...

On a bit of a whim, I took the GRE. I didn't really give myself much time to study or second guess my decision. I just did it. I won't get my scores until November (because they revised the test and the scoring scale). But, according to the estimated score range based on the old scale that they showed me at the end of my test, I did relatively well ... exceeding the minimum score requirements for the majority of criminal justice doctoral programs. I'm not sure if I'm going to go for my PhD, but I like the idea that the option is on the table ... for 5 years, at least (which is how long my scores are good for).

In other news, I think I'm going to surrender my California driver's license this week. I've been here for 10 months; I think it's time that I give in. *le sigh* I just miss California ... Texas has yet to grow on me.

* I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I keep losing feeling in both hands, fingers and, sometimes, forearms. This usually occurs when I'm doing something like writing, washing my hair ... talking on the phone. Every once in a while, pain is involved, as well. One doctor said that it may be carpal tunnel; other people have told me that it's more likely from my elbow or my shoulder. Either way, I do need to get it checked out ... and now I have the time to do so. The doctor I saw also said that my grip was weak for someone my age ... which is odd considering I've always had relatively strong grip.

a bit behind ...

2011-10-04T01:00:00.001-05:00

Posts to come:

1- My first NFL game
2 - Concert Attended
3 - On a bit of a whim ...

... and not necessarily in that order.

Also ... I've been so busy that all those books on the right have not been touched in weeks ... despite the fact that I'm half way through each of them.

Oh and I gave Macy's my 2-weeks notice on Thursday.

Other than that ... Benji (the car) is doing well. I miss my brothers and California. Texas has yet to grow on me ... and everything else can wait since it's 1 AM and I have to leave for work in 7 hours.

due for another post

2011-09-09T21:04:00.000-05:00

What should I write about? I don't know. I'm here. Hi. =)

i love this man

2011-08-31T00:04:00.000-05:00

trilingual

2011-08-20T18:53:00.000-05:00

I don't tell people that I speak another language .. or languages. It may seem odd in that it's a nifty skill to have - one, which, perhaps, I should be willing to share. Language is for sharing, after all, right? I mean - the purpose of language is to be able to communicate with one another ... and, in that, you are sharing some information (whether it's how you're feeling ... or a recipe ... or even just a comment) - you are sharing your thoughts, your being ... even "body" has a language.

Yesterday, I had to bust out both. It allowed me to connect with fellow associates on a different level. It's one thing when you're talking to them in English - which, while they understand some, is not their strongest suit. But, if you talk to them in their native tongue, something happens. It's like they allow their body to relax and their face lights up ... knowing that they can communicate clearly and be understood. Maybe it's just the fact that it creates that human connection that we all need to survive (as much as I have tried to resist it).

Even so, I'm pretty sure the eye roll is the universal retail sign for "Oh-my-goodness-I-can't-believe-there-are-so-many-people-here-and-they're-making-such-a-mess." And a smile in return to signify that you agree.

busy-ness woman

2011-08-12T11:03:00.000-05:00

If I was a bee, I'd be a busy one.

In typical Nour fashion, I am currently working multiple part-time jobs. It's starting to feel like the inevitable destiny of my life path. It's not a bad thing, per se, but it's not a good thing either. It's just a thing that lingers in a limbo between surviving in the material world, and attempting to not drown in my own issues - to put it plainly. But I digress.

I like working. I have always imagined my life with some sort of work. Never did I think that I would want to be a housewife or a stay-at-home mom. I know that for some people, it's more fulfilling and satisfying than any 9-5 job could ever be. I, on the other hand, wouldn't mind a 9-5 or a graveyard or any shift, for that matter, as long as I was working. Even if my work didn't require me to leave the confines of my cave (i.e. if I were a writer or, finally, gave in to my art and became a true slave to it ... =]), it would be work. I'm pretty sure that I would work for free if I didn't have any expenses.

story time!

2011-07-20T00:09:00.000-05:00

I returned last night from California. That trip went by way too quickly ... and no pictures were taken to document the amount of awesome that ensues when my brothers and I are together. Needless to say, there was a lot of decluttering that occurred ... and we left our parents' house in better shape than it has been in years. For example, once Kareem drives back down to pick up his drum set, the garage will be half empty. I know you just gasped.

But ... aside from all that happened, I think I will use this entry to relay the story of my flight there.

I flew out relatively late on Wednesday night from Hobby Airport to LAX. For the most part, when I fly, I get quite anxiety ridden. I'm not afraid of flying - I just don't like the feeling in your stomach when you lift off and land ... not to mention being in that close of a proximity to other individuals. Because of this, I am a bit antsy during plane flights and try to distract myself with a variety of things ... first a book, then my iPad ... and finally my journal.

My journal is actually the third of a series of sketchbooks. I find that the blank pages allow me to write as small or as large as I please, draw wherever I please - without the constraints of lines. I don't like lined journals ... they limit my creativity.

I pull out my journal and start writing/drawing. The flight attendant passing by stops and looks at what I'm doing, leans over and asks, "Are you an artist?" I kind of shrug it off and say that I like to draw as a hobby. She then asks me how long it takes to draw a person. I reply that I like to do a lot of sketches before the final product, so it all depends. She proceeded to talk to me for the next 15 minutes or so. She asks if she can see more of my drawings ... and I start to (kind of) flip through my journal. The thing is ... this is my journal. This is the place where I write whatever I want without filtering ... and I really don't like letting people look through it or read it, for that matter.

The man sitting across the aisle leans over and looks at the pages along with the flight attendant. Then he says, "You should digitize that. Go have it scanned in and digitized. You will regret that you didn't, if something happens where you lose that." The flight attendant agrees and then chimes in that I could publish my journal ... that I would sell hundreds of copies. The man agrees saying that people would love to read things of the sort.

After this little ... event, the flight attendant walks away. She returns with a piece of paper and asks me if I wouldn't mind writing something about my flight experience. She wanted "to see how my mind perceived things." I oblige and write something about how this trip to California is different from others because I'm actually looking forward to being there. When she comes by again, I hand her the piece of paper with my little shpeel, along with the URL to the website where I post most of my paintings: MurderofMyMind.deviantart.com. She tells me that she's going to read it and give me feedback.

She returns shortly after, leans down and asks, "Do you have fears?" I reply that I do. She then asks, "Do you see your mind as your enemy?" I reply that it is both my enemy and my friend. She said that she thought to ask because of the web address I had given her. I told her that those were lyrics from a song. She asked me what I had studied and I told her that I have a Masters in Criminal Justice. She said, "I don't see Criminal Justice. That would be like denying your God-given talent."

This thing caught me completely off guard. I was kind of embarrassed by the attention I was receiving. I mean, she stopped mid-collecting trash and spent probably around 30 to 45 minutes of the entire flight talking to me and recommending books ... and just being absolutely intrigued by this ability/skill/talent that I possess. I've constantly been told that I have something there ... in the art world. But, for some reason (reasons I probably already know), I still don't think I'm good enough. Granted, I never feel good enough in regards to anything ... Ah, Nour. What are we going to do with you?

just a house, not a home

2011-07-01T18:55:00.000-05:00

Let's be frank: California has always been home. I've struggled with that concept on and off for years, attempting to create a "home" somewhere else, but, as much as I've tried to convince myself otherwise, Orange County was/is my home ... and I'm homesick.

I'm so homesick, in fact, that I'm currently holding back tears. I just miss everyone and everything - the good, the bad, the ugly. I have such a love/hate relationship with Orange County, but, in the end, I love it most because it's my home. Yes, it is the one place that is full of memories - Sundays at Mason Park, walking around North Lake, Edgewood ... that alone was something that no one except those who were there will quite understand. How can an entire school feel like a family?

I don't know. Well - with Aziz flying in and Kareem driving down to officially move completely out of our childhood home, I too will be homeward bound ... for a short stay (4 actual OC days + 2 flying days = not enough time for distance traveled).

july around the corner

2011-06-28T10:45:00.000-05:00

I continue to apply. I continue to work - always grateful when I get hours because I know that they don't have to give them to me - seeing as I'm not a "part-time" employee. I continue. That is all.

Aziz is coming to California for a month or so in July. I think Kareem and I are going to try to set it up so that we're there at the same time. It will be really nice to be with my brothers. (That's an understatement.) I think the last time that all three of us were together was May of last year. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate what life has done to us ... tearing us apart distance-wise. We never wanted this. But, alas, you go where there is opportunity ... and so, it is what it is.

We've had some warm days here, but, for some reason, I'm not bothered by them. Then again, it could have something to do with the fact that I'm rarely outdoors. Strange - come to think of it. I'm definitely not benefiting from the free source of vitamin D. Although, it's not like I even pay attention to my vitamin intake ... *shrug*

bloody job market

2011-06-16T20:21:00.000-05:00

I've been working at Macy's for a month now. I don't mind it. It's actually nice to be working again, and it's relatively mindless, physical labor. Unfortunately, this will not suffice and I continue on the job hunt. I apply and either the application gets lost in job market oblivion, or I miraculously hear back with an "I regret to inform you" letter/e-mail. Then, every once in a blue moon, I snag an interview: 3 since I've been here, and only 1 blossoms into my current position.

This job has put some serious miles on my car. I've already passed 1,000 miles and it's been less than a month. *sigh* Even so, I am thoroughly enjoying my new friend, though I do miss my station wagon at times ... obviously, for sentimental reasons.

movin' on

2011-05-24T01:31:00.000-05:00

2011 Scion XB

Release Series 8.0*

* Every year, Scion releases some of their models in a specific color that tends to be loud and not one of the generic colors offered across the models. They manufacture a limited number. Mine is 655 of 2000.

... The seats are actually black and the center part has blue accents. It didn't come out that well in the picture.

... The visibility in this car is ridiculously amazing. It would be a great beach car ... and, thus, some sadness sets in as this car won't enjoy California weather anytime soon.

.. There is a Scion Expo on Sunday ... I think I might go.

umm ...

2011-05-21T22:16:00.000-05:00

... I bought a car.

... and I think I already love it.

... It's very me.

... and a major upgrade from my little station wagon. [i.e. Power locks and windows, CD player ;) ... among other things].

2011 Scion XB

Release Series 8.0 (Voodoo Blue)

I'll post pictures in my next entry.

amazing

2011-05-11T11:10:00.000-05:00

surprises

2011-04-01T09:28:00.000-05:00

50 balloons, a horrible after taste, and a bit of lightheadedness later ... *insert birthday surprise for when my cousin awoke* Happy 14th, Buddy Bear. <3

mortal kombat

2011-03-27T11:46:00.000-05:00

Upper Respiratory Infection

Round 3

FIGHT!

Yes, sick again with the same thing for the 3rd time in a 4 month time span. I asked the doctor if I should be worried and he informed me that it's been happening to a lot of people. I don't know whether to be comforted by the fact that others are equally miserable or concerned that this is becoming the norm.

I need to feel better quickly (*cough* interview tomorrow ... I know!) ... so, against my restless body's desires, I'm taking it easy today.

can i call myself an artist?

2011-03-23T11:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my first day of volunteering with an organization called ArtBridge. Basically, they do art projects with kids. I went to a center that provides services for children who have been in abusive environments. The "sessions" are an hour a week, but it was kind of neat. We painted on canvases using acrylic paint (which happens to be my preferred medium).

I can't describe how I feel when I have a brush in hand, hovering over paint blobs on a palette, whilst staring at a blank canvas. I guess the best way to describe it would be to say that this is my comfort food. The difference is that, while people run to their comfort food when things get a bit chaotic, I stray away from painting when the seas get a bit rough. It's strange.

But, being there ... I just missed having my paint brushes and paint tubes. I bought some watercolor to start getting back into painting. It's definitely nice to be able to paint without purpose. Acrylic tends to dry so fast that you kind of need to know what you want to do ... it's a bit restricting at times. Even so, I still miss it ... and watercolor will only be able to do so much, but it's sufficient for now.

i'd rather be at guitar center

2011-03-07T07:22:00.000-06:00

Apparently, sleep is not enjoying my company. Perhaps, you will. If not, you can blame it on sleep.

Clothes shopping is anxiety-provoking. I walk into a mall and my anxiety level shoots up. I have limited time before my body starts freaking out and I become convinced that I'm going through menopause. (Read: It feels like a hot flash.)

Yesterday, my family and I were at a mall. (Note: Increased anxiety) I went into a store for a quick browse-around and told my family that I would meet them at the bookstore they were heading towards. On my way to the bookstore, I stopped mid-step and gasped for air. In front of the entrance, surrounded by children and their parents, a person dressed as a clown was making balloon animals. (Note: I have a phobia of clowns.) Needless to say, I started shaking and ended up texting my family to let them know that I couldn't meet them in the bookstore and that I'd be waiting outside ... quite a ways away.

A clown in a mall ... really? WTF.

my blackberry is not working

2011-02-04T14:41:00.000-06:00

*Note: Orange is a mobile phone carrier in the UK.

i could

2010-12-29T01:00:00.000-06:00

I could write about Texas and spending time with my family, what we've done. I could try and answer the question: How's Texas? and I could be a smart ass and say that I didn't ask it. I could write about going to Moody Gardens in Galveston and thinking that I had lost the ring my parents gave me for graduation ... only to find it a few days later in the outside pocket of my purse. I could write about the gingerbread house we made that collapsed within seconds, or about how our tiny Christmas tree, which we bought 4 years ago for our unChristmas, looked like it was drowning in gifts.

I could write about all those things.

from Santa?

2010-12-25T12:26:00.000-06:00

This is what happens when "from Santa" gifts are revoked by "Santa's helpers" because everyone else decided to buy their own gifts for the family.

who the eff am I?

2010-11-12T23:03:00.000-06:00

I'm finding that my uncertainty and lack of ... (take your pick: motivation/ambition/drive/etc) has allowed me to feel like I'm being tossed around like a hot potato from one place to the other. I'm constantly being asked what I want ... and because I don't have an answer, I feel like I am making decisions based on what everyone else wants of me, which is in my nature, as is (doing things to make others happy, even at the risk of my own happiness). The difference, this time around, is that I'm not working towards anything so as to set boundaries of sorts, in order to ensure my own ... sanity, to a certain extent. Even when writing entries here, I'm constantly inserting clauses that are full of uncertainty, as almost disclaimers so as to not upset anyone. Why do I bother? I feel utterly pathetic.

It's really difficult to explain why I am at the place that I am at. Perhaps, it's not that difficult and I just don't feel like delving into possible reasons. I don't know! I feel like I'm constantly trying to protect myself (or protect others from me), but in the process, I'm doing exactly what was done to me ... sheltering. I feel safest when I'm "in hiding" and I can play the "I'm doing well" card well enough, so as to not elicit questions that I probably don't want to answer. Is this making sense, or am I rambling nonsensically?

So, I got away. I went away to Northern California and still didn't feel "right" nor was I willing to seek help (i.e. therapy) because I didn't want to "anchor" myself in Northern California. Why not?! And then, I return here and I'm thinking: I can handle it here. I can do it. This won't phase me. But it eventually will. It does. It always does. I keep thinking back to Las Vegas, and it's a New-York-issue all over again. I sit there, resting my chin on my hand thinking about the good stuff and forgetting how incredibly lonely it was for the first year and a half, how I came to depend upon therapy for my hour of existence once a week, how hard it was to open the blinds or to go grocery shopping at times. I forget all the crap and focus on how I started painting again, and writing songs, and singing ... everything that I have lost, yet again.

It's a vicious cycle and I'm the only one who can break it. How lovely.

a sprinkle of nonsense

2010-11-10T14:06:00.000-06:00

I'm finding it hard to write ... here. There are days where I am willing to let others see what's truly going on (albeit, a limited viewing) and days where I would rather retreat into my cocoon and write something completely generic. Writing something generic is far from fulfilling, but a sudden awareness has made me realize I have more scars than I ever imagined, and no amount of clothing or "I'm well" responses will be able to hide them. Although, it is so much easier for me to put it down in written word than to discuss things face to face.

I am driving down to Orange County tomorrow and I find myself looking forward to petty things, like being reunited with my car. I don't know why I call it "petty." While it is just that in the "big picture," in my little world, it is far from it. This brings up an interesting, yet tangental, point: the words we choose to use are so to "appease the masses," in a sense. Right? I mean, heaven forbid, I look forward to spending time with some material thing, rather than another person.

We're constantly told that people are more important than materials, and being materialistic has a rather bad connotation. I do find excessive materialism to be quite unhealthy, but, in the words of Madonna, we "are living in a material world." (Yeah ... I just did that.) If I may explain my point, materials bring about a sense of comfort that I find that people are unable to do for me. When I was younger, I truly believed that if I was with someone I knew well, I could never be lost. It's a far fetched idea, but one filled with the innocence and idealism of youth. Now, being around people (especially those whom I know well) often times leaves me feeling even more alone and isolated. It is far from comforting. This, however, will not prevent me from spending time with them, though I may struggle a bit more to get out to do so. These issues, after all, are my own.

one way ticket

2010-09-24T00:02:00.000-05:00

taken with my phone prior to it running at the rate of a
computer from the 90s ... true story. =( Damn you, Apple.
Hahaha .. apple. =) I made myself laugh in my own caption.

I've come across stories of people booking one way flights somewhere, as a means of starting in a new place, doing something spontaneous, and whatever other reasons may come with it. It intrigues me. I guess I like the idea of picking up and leaving. I find it kind of liberating.

I want that. I want to go to a new place. I want to move to yet another city where I know no one. Although moving with another person would probably be the more financially sound option, I don't know if it would be the right option for me. I don't want to feel held back by someone (and I would, even if they don't mean to). Ultimately, it comes down to the fact that I need the freedom from people I already know. People who already know me have developed their perceptions about me and whom/ what I am; they've built a mold of sorts. This is perfectly fine. However, I find that with people who knew me before I went off to college, I get a lot of "well, that's not very you." It's limiting. I feel trapped in their perceptions, even if they are true about me. In a round about way, I think the point I'm trying to get to is that I want to grow and I can't in the molds of what I was. Whomever the old me was is not whom I am now, but I can't even be me because I'm stuck in a place where being true to myself is not completely accepted (though "accepted" is not quite the right word).

I feel uninspired, despite the fact that I could pull from everything within me. I have to live up to expectations and, ultimately, I sit here worrying about everyone else, but myself. I'm losing my essence and I'm not willing to fight for it. From the outside looking in, that's a scary revelation.

I don't think I can convince anyone in my life to support a decision to go out on my own to a place where I have no solid plan. My father left his home with x-amount of dollars in his pocket and I know that he will fight tooth and nail to make it so that my brothers and I never have to endure what he has. It's a truly honorable feat. In respecting that, step one is to find a job.

Actually, I'm going back and forth. Should I focus my efforts on choosing a location and then focus solely on finding a job in that place? I don't know. What I do know is that Orange County is suffocating me. Everyone knows I'm unhappy here. I realize that I need to be happy within myself and moving isn't going to magically fix that. Even so, I need out.

watching it tick

2010-09-13T19:09:00.000-05:00

Alamitos Bay Marina

Yesterday, I went sailing for the first time with my brothers, Kareem S., and Kareem's uncle. During the first part of the trip, Kareem (the brother), and I spent our time at the front of the boat on the upper deck. This proved interesting as there were moments where we started slipping off the deck and grabbing onto each other, so as to not fall overboard. I have acquired some bruises and sore muscles from this feat. I made the horrible decision of returning to the lower deck after one of these slipping episodes and, as a result, spent the rest of the trip alternating between vomiting and trying not to vomit, rinse and repeat. I didn't think that I would ever get that seasick. I still had fun though and I'm glad I went, even if my stomach isn't.

After sailing, we all went to this amazing Thai restaurant in Santa Ana. If I had a "Top 5" of favorite cuisines, Thai would be ranked #2. What's #1, Nour? Lebanese, of course. Speaking of which, I'm having Lebanese food withdrawals without my mother around. I really need to ask her for recipes before I resort to the ever-disappointing restaurants with their attempt at Lebanese food. It's not horrible, but it's not my mom's. It's the tastes that I'm familiar with - the certain spices that my palate is accustomed to, and when something deviates from the expected, I find that I don't quite enjoy it as much.

Job Hunt: I am so tired of applying and talking about it. I'm tired of people asking for my resume because they have "connections" ... and then nothing pans out. Nour, that's just how it is, especially right now. I know. I realize this. I'm just stating what I'm feeling because I can; I will continue to distribute my resume, as my future is currently pending on it. I've had a few responses, such as background questionnaire, application verification e-mail, and a quick assessment test, and, now, just waiting. I have taken a bit of a break from applying though because I found it negatively effecting my mental and emotional state. A metaphor perhaps? Why yes: My mental and emotional state went sailing and their equilibrium was quite off. [When you get seasick, it's because your equilibrium is off with the rocking of the boat ... yes? no? *shrug*]

back track

2010-09-03T02:41:00.000-05:00

My previous entry was a result of a thought conversation tangent. Thought conversations are conversations that I have with myself in my head. They needed a name and, therefore, have been dubbed as such. I spend a lot of time lost in these thought conversations, which cover a range of topics.

The one that led to the previous entry involved trying to understand my current, relentless depressive episode. I deduced that one of the factors may be that I'm not where I thought I would be or where I want to be at this point in my life. So, I dove head first into my past searching for something similar and, voila!, first semester of college. Unfortunately, there were additional factors that I didn't discuss from that semester and, before I realized what I had typed, I had a long entry and I hadn't even covered the second semester. The second semester with the horrible therapist, the cutting, the letter I had to sign, the sudden realization that every Resident Assistant knew my name , and even more days spent locked in my dorm room ... the departure of one of my roommates, seeing my other roommate even less as she rushed a sorority, the Easter break I spent sick and alone in the dorms, and so on.

Nine trying months. After 2 years of therapy in Las Vegas, the experience doesn't haunt me - but it still saddens me and it still hurts. I relive it constantly in thought, mostly through my memories ... it's almost a sort of self-torture. I no longer have the desire to return to New York to win back those 9 months. I wanted to for so long. I know I can't. (Even though, I feel like there is a small bit inside that keeps trying to tell me that I can ... and I honestly think that side a masochist!)

To bring this entry full circle, I am not where I thought I would be and I'm having a difficult time coming to terms with it.

first semester of college (Fall '02)

2010-09-01T05:36:00.000-05:00

People around me have always had high expectations of me, and, in turn, I have had high expectations of myself. When I first ventured off to New York for my first year of college, I imagined and expected something completely different than what I actually experienced. I imagined a whole new life, with new people and new friends ... I imagined reinventing myself and allowing myself to be ME for the first time. There were several issues with this expectation. The most significant would be that I lacked the social skills to even engage in the social aspect of "college life" or what I wanted my college experience to be. I had no social skills beyond the confines of the gate of my high school. I didn't really socialize with friends outside of school, and when I did, our outings were limited. So, in short, my memories of getting to hang out with my friends outside of high school can literally be counted on one hand. FOUR YEARS, ONE HAND?! Point being, I had no social skills - how could I go about expecting myself to suddenly develop them? How could I expect myself to be a social butterfly, know how to handle various circumstances, know how to handle being at a party/ want to go to one (I did go to ONE and I was so out of place and awkward that it just isolated me even more), know how to handle being offered drinks when I didn't want to drink, know how to be confident enough around strangers to not be laughed at and put down (oh that was a crappy memory of college I forgot about) ...

Sometimes, I sit around and try to remember what my 9-month stint in New York was really like because I keep wanting to sugarcoat it. When people ask you what it was like to live in New York, they expect you to talk about the adventures of being in a big city, whether you did or didn't enjoy the crowd, whether you discovered any little niches/secrets, etc. The true story is nothing near that - though I did have a few adventures.

The first week of college, I was so lost that it was construed as homesickness. I had taken a handful of week-long trips away from my family before, but they were all school trips, in which I knew everyone who was going and they knew me because we were classmates. I was in a place with complete strangers who were more outgoing than I was, prettier than I was, happier than I was, and so on. My roommates later told me that they didn't think I would make it. I contacted home several times that week - though speaking to my parents made it worse and, at that time, I wasn't close to my brothers, so speaking to them would have proven useless.

Classes started and the first class I attended was the History of Jazz. The teacher passed out the syllabus and after explaining that one of our projects for the class was to go to the subway and write about a jazz band we saw play there or go to a concert, I started to panic internally. How was I going to be able to accomplish such an assignment when I had just been thrown into this city that I knew nothing about?! (Please note that I also did not attend my freshman orientation - which I think would have made a world of difference.) In addition, I was signed up for all these other random classes as an "undecided" major. I was convinced that, even if I would have to eventually take these classes, I might as well be working toward the degree that I knew (or thought I knew) I wanted at the time: a bachelor of science in toxicology. I immediately took the initiative to meet with the counselor after my first class to declare my major and be placed on track for that degree. Little did I know that I was signing a death wish.

Every class that I had been signed up for was dropped and I had a whole new schedule when I walked out of the counselor's office. This schedule, I would later find out, was a prime example of academic suicide. With two science classes - each with a lab, a calculus class, and one mandatory class about New York, I had set myself up for failure. I don't remember the first days of my science classes - I just remember that the lectures were held in auditoriums and the labs were set on different days with a three hour time block. The labs were located in this building that, depending on where you entered, would determine how many sets of stairs you had to climb. Biology labs were located on the 5th floor and Chemistry labs were located on the 6th floor. The entrance closest to the Residential Village (where the dorms were located) was in the sub-basement. Yes, SUB-basement, as in BELOW the basement. The building had one elevator, for which you needed a key to be able to use. Sometimes, if you were lucky, you'd be able to catch a ride with a TA or a professor. Otherwise, you were doomed and your endurance was tested.

I remember Calculus quite vividly. I walked in and took a seat in the back. I had missed the first day because I wasn't registered for the class at the time. The teacher walked in. She was incredibly tall and a much older lady, who wore skirts that looked like floral tablecloths. She was very intimidating and when she came over to where I was sitting, I damn near peed myself. She didn't seem too pleased to have another student in her class, let alone one who had missed the first day. Missing that first day proved to be detrimental as I never quite got the hang of Calculus, despite my prior ability to catch on to mathematics quite quickly. By the end, I scraped by with a D and was completely convinced that all the numbers in Calculus were literally pulled out of someone's ass. It made no sense. However, the class did have one good memory. The desks were all old and had writings and drawings all over them. At one point, I was having a full conversation on the desk with someone from another class. I never found out who that person was, but I always looked forward to their replies. They almost gave me something to live for ... even if just for one semester.

The New York class - which was required for all students - and the name of which I can't remember - consisted of random literary pieces about New York, a brief history, and a requirement to attend a Broadway show. (The show I attended was Aida and, if you know me, you know that I am still raving about it 8 years later.) One of my roommates was in the class and she had friends there, which made the class only slightly less awkward ... I was still awkward and chose to sit in the back of the classroom. I wish I could remember the professor's name who taught the class, but he looked and spoke like Ben Stein. I wasn't sure how I felt about him, at first, but he liked to ask me questions about California and I found myself enjoying his class - in part because he was, truly, a good professor and partly because he seemed to care, and, at that point, I just wanted to feel like my existence mattered (still having these issues today). Sadly, he died in the middle of the semester - randomly. I think it was a heart attack, but the entire class was devastated. His replacements sucked ... and I hated that class after he was gone.

I spent most of my time in my dorm room in front of my computer, talking to friends from California via AIM or MSN and frequenting the message board at Lyrics.com. I spent so much time online that I literally fried my laptop, which I had won at Grad Night after high school graduation. For meals, I would spend lunch alone - usually sitting at a table in Montgoris (the dining hall) or one of the other places around campus. I would watch other people mingle - tables crowded with people wanting to talk to each other, and wishing I was at one of those tables. I must have looked pathetic - I know I felt pathetic. I just didn't have friends. Dinner was different in that my roommates and I would go together. It made the whole eating experience less awkward. Dinner was always at Montgoris (or Monty as we later dubbed it - and that dubbing spread throughout campus ... just for future reference, it all started with Room 611). Monty was a typical college dining hall with a buffet style dinner. There were always sandwiches and pizza, a salad bar, and stir fry, and then whatever special they were having that week. We'd use multiple cups for drinks because the cups were tiny, and there was ice cream for dessert. Monty always smelled like a dirty mop that had been soaked in chlorine. It was a very distinct smell that was slightly repulsive to the point that my roommates and I rewrote the then-popular "Dirty Pop" by Justin Timberlake as "Dirty Mop." On weekends, my roommates and I would have brunch and dinner at Monty, unless we decided that Monty once that day was all that our stomachs could handle. If that was the case, we usually ordered hoagies and had them delivered.

My roommates often went out on the weekends to the local pub called Gantry's, and later on to another local pub called Traditions. I opted to not go and spent even more time in the dorm room. I always kicked myself after they left, wishing I had the balls to just go with them and have fun. I did end up going once, but I was so uncomfortably awkward that I never went again. Shortly before my 18th birthday, I started smoking. I didn't smoke often, and I usually smoked with others because it gave us a reason to sit outside on the benches in the Residential Village (even when it was freezing cold) and just talk. It was a nice escape from classwork and everything that entailed. There were a few nights after my roommates left when I would go out and lay on the benches with a cigarette teetering between my fingers. I'd just let it burn, as I wasn't fond of how I felt after I smoked (nicotine has the same affect on me that marijuana has on others - I get hungry ... and dizzy) and I hated the smell even more. The thing about smoking is that when you're sitting there with a cigarette - people will come up to you and ask to bum one off you. For someone whose roommates were the only ones who took notice of her existence, this was incredible. I always wished that these people would then sit and talk to me, but most of them just ended up with a free cigarette and would walk away.

Midnight struck on my 18th birthday and I was in the elevator with my roommates and our neighbor (whom we dubbed our 4th roommate). They burst into a rendition of "Happy Birthday," which took me completely by surprise (and was kind of awesome). We had decided to have one of our smoking sessions on the benches, but wanted to stop by 7-Eleven to pick up some cigarettes and Munchies (the best way to satisfy any drug-induced craving). The following day, my roommates and I went into the city to meet my mother for dinner. I wasn't happy that my mother was coming for my birthday and I did a horrible job of hiding it. In my quest to establish independence (which was going poorly), I felt like this was a huge setback and I wasn't ready for parental overload. I still look back at that day and the following days my mother spent in New York, in which I didn't see her. I have apologized numerous times for the way I acted, and I still regret not welcoming my mother and her friend (who wanted to surprise me) with open arms.

One of my favorite memories from my first semester was the first snow. I had been in snow before, I had experienced snow fall, but I had never experienced a "first snow." The entire campus was covered in this puffy, white blanket. Words cannot explain how gorgeous it was. No one wanted to go to classes, and, later that day, the afternoon classes were cancelled due to the amount of snow that fell. (There was a joke around St. John's that several feet of snow had to fall before we had a snow day because the campus was so hilly.) My roommates (as well as the rest of the Residential Village) took this as a prime opportunity to go out and play in the snow. Snowmen were being built, snow angels were being made, and snowballs were being thrown; we were all kids again. Being a native Californian, and despite preparation for the cold weather, I still didn't have the proper clothing to be out in the snow. It wasn't long before my jeans started getting heavy, my socks were soaking wet, and my face felt like it was frozen in place. My roommates and I eventually retreated back to our room, where we changed into warmer clothes, and then all proceeded to climb into my bed, which had - at that point - become sort of a fort (being the bottom bunk and all). I think we ended up either watching The Wedding Singer that night or Robin Hood: Men in Tights (on VHS - by the way). The Wedding Singer would become one of our usual movie-night picks.

300+ miles

2010-08-23T22:47:00.000-05:00

I drove to Santa Barbara and back today. At first, the thought seemed absolutely horrible with my past three "trips" taking me well over the time it should have to reach each destination. However, after those horrendous trips, the 405 was almost - dare I say - a sanctuary. It was the easiest, nicest drive I have been on in a long while. Perhaps, it's the inviting scenery - the green hills, the ocean view - or, perhaps, simply, traffic was not that bad today.

The test itself was identical to the one I took last year in San Jose, except, this time around, it was computerized - which, to my surprise, I enjoyed. There was a timer at the top, which could be taken as a countdown to doom, but I found it rather comforting. The fact that I was taking the test with 8 other people, rather than 80, was also less intimidating. Now, I need to wait.

I'm also waiting on the test I took on Saturday for the City of Newport Beach. This test was a prime example of why I don't get excited when invited to take tests: 4 vacancies, 543 people taking the test. Every turn is a constant reminder that there are hundreds of people vying for the same job, and you wait, hoping that you stand out just enough to catch someone's eye. If you think the fact that I'm a multi-lingual, Master's degree-holding female is going to get me a job ... it's not enough right now. I'm just a number.

jobs, vegas: not both

2010-08-20T01:37:00.000-05:00

How about a blog about what I've actually been up to? Imagine that.

Job Hunting. That's what I've been doing. Driving myself absolutely mad trying to find something, anything. A few things make the actual search difficult: a) I don't actually know what I'm looking for and b) I don't actually know what I want to do. Some direction would be nice.

I'm so focused and, almost, obsessed with the concept of finding a job that I'm making myself miserable, which is just miserable icing on my already miserable cake. It's kind of pathetic.

Right now, I have 4 exams in the next two weeks ... in different counties around California. I'm realizing that administering tests is the preferred way of weeding out applicants that meet the minimum requirements for government jobs in this state. I don't do well on tests ... lovely.

In other news, I went to Las Vegas for a few days. This is the first time I've been back and not had to be at UNLV in any form. =( Yes, I'm kind of sad about that. On Wednesday, I drove around like I usually did when I lived there on my "I just need to get out" adventures. I went to the record store ... with its distinct smell, which is not necessarily pleasant, but not completely repulsive. I drove past my old apartment and around the streets that I would frequent. *cue nostalgic background music*

While I honestly miss being there (especially being able to go to the record store!) ... I remembered how I felt when I would go out on these adventures. I was in a really deep depression and that was my way of coping, a strategy I acquired while in therapy (with much coaxing from my therapists, among other people). And here I am, even farther down than I was when I lived there, falling back into that routine ... and it kind of worked for a bit. You would think that I would just apply that here ... but there is nothing soothing about Orange County ... not for me, at least. *sigh* But that is another loaded issue.

Among other things, I also had dinner with my friend, witnessed a girl getting off on the wrong floor and tried to hold back laughter so she couldn't hear us, and overheared a girl tell her friend that, when the girl's father asked her mother what to get her for a wedding gift, the girl's mother replied "an annulment" ... oh snap! is right. Anyway, I drove back today - actually hoping for traffic so that it would prolong the trip. It took 5 hours, instead of 4 ... and now, I'm just tired.

awake

2010-07-28T05:21:00.000-05:00

I thought that by watching The Sound of Music, I'd be able to fall asleep. I didn't realize that because I hadn't seen it in a while, I would stay up through its entirety. It's almost 3:30 AM and I'm overdosing on awesome.

reflections

2010-05-05T20:46:00.000-05:00

I look around my room and there are no articles, no thesis drafts ... nothing that would indicate how completely insane the last three years have been. Now, I'm three days away from the end of it all.

I don't know what prompted my decision to go to grad school. I think part of me always knew I would. A bachelor's was expected. A master's was my choice. A PhD is insanity, but I'm kind of crazy ...

Three years ago, I put all my eggs in one basket and that basket was labeled "UNLV." Here I am three years later, having lost a few eggs along the way, some cracked, yolk dripping between the basket weaving ... and a few somehow still intact.

A thesis, my first apartment, new friends, and a newfound love for a city that was (and still is) the complete opposite of what I am ... and so much more. While I'm still trudging along through life, there are a few moments where you'll find me dancing ... because, well, I just can.

never never never give up - winston churchill

missing

2010-05-02T14:10:00.000-05:00

I'm having a really hard time being okay. But it doesn't matter, right?

2.5 weeks in Texas will be good for me. Somebody press fast forward.

almost ... almost

2010-04-20T00:51:00.001-05:00

I defended my thesis successfully - and every once in a while, it hits me, though it hasn't sunk in completely. The actual defense was surreal, not only the fact that I was defending, but the actual defense and the manner in which it unfolded was so odd - in a good way.

At this moment, Kareem, my mom, and I are driving back from Tucson. Two weeks ago, Aziz was hit by a car while on his bike. He's recovering slowly, though it broke my heart to see him walking with a cane. My mom and Kareem cooked for him and I rearranged and organized his room to make it more functional. He was so appreciative (as were his friends and his roommate) - it was really cute.

Graduation is May 8th. I have finally mastered criminal justice. =)

- Posted from my iPhone

it nears

2010-04-08T02:06:00.000-05:00

Friday, 8 AM ... I am really proud of the work I've done on my thesis and am kind of excited for my defense. The anxiety has started to creep up on me - but I'm okay.

I've had a rough few weeks - this week, especially, has been trying - with finding out that my grandfather was in the hospital (he's okay) and Aziz getting hit by a car (still in pain, but recovering and in good spirits - I love that kid) ... it just feels like a vicious cycle.

I need to finish packing and then attempt to sleep for a bit before hitting the I-15.

in thought

2010-03-25T01:26:00.000-05:00

Driving around ... there's a sense of familiarity. It will take a long while before I feel like a "visitor" or I may never feel that way. I just know the area too well. I know the back streets so as to avoid the Strip. I know the "local" life. And while that takes a bit away from the "magic of Vegas" that most people may feel, I still have the Bellagio fountains which I could watch for hours.

- Posted from iPhone

chugging along

2010-03-21T15:50:00.000-05:00

Each day is another day closer to the end of this horrible nightmare. I've locked ... well, closed the door to my room in order to have a hardcore thesis session. This is a mini-break, so as not to lose what sanity remains ... if any.

I'm leaving for Vegas on Tuesday and then returning Sunday. I don't want to be there for that long, but ... it's just the way it is. I think it's one thing to be able to go to a place that is home-like, and a completely different experience when going there as merely a visitor.

April 9th, April 9th, April 9th.

My car has decided to have mood swings again. *sigh* Why, Suki?! We were doing so well. Nothing terribly wrong ... some days, she just doesn't feel like starting. So, you sit there ... waiting ... 10 minutes go by, try again ... until she gives in.

Back to the albatross.

the small things

2010-02-25T20:42:00.001-06:00

It's strange how one truly insignificant thing has consumed my entire being and I am unable/ unwilling to do anything but think about it. I feel like I've allowed it to put my day on pause: a day in which I had anticipated some great progress on my thesis. Stupid insignificant problem. *sigh*

- Posted from my iPhone

honestly ...

2010-02-22T13:35:00.000-06:00

I'm squishy on the inside.

just another day

2010-02-14T19:16:00.000-06:00

Kareem: "Happy Valentine's Day"
Me: "Happy Sunday"

Kareem: "It's Valentine's Day. Don't be sad; we're both ronery."

Honestly, this day doesn't bother me. Just working on my thesis, hanging out with my dad ... and rewarding myself with video games.

la noce de mon ami

2010-01-03T16:34:00.000-06:00

Last night was my friend's wedding. I forgot the name of the hotel that it was at, but I can tell you how to get there. =) My friend, Amanda, was there and, together, we made it a fun night for table 18. ;)

Amanda and me dancing in the bathroom ... we're just cool like that.

je déteste la nouvelle année

2009-12-31T21:58:00.000-06:00

I don't like new year. The day tends to drag on. The night is even longer. People waiting for the clock to strike midnight ... and I just want to sleep.

Even so, I raise my invisible glass ... cheers.

Happy New Year.

pointless, but an entry

2009-12-24T22:50:00.000-06:00

I decided to tackle my parents' garage on my own. It's been years since we've been able to walk through there comfortably. However, just a few days after tremendous progress, somehow my red-carpet-worthy walkway is back to a narrow, dangerous pathway.

I feel like watching The Golden Girls. I need some Sophia in my life. =)

Picture it ... Sicily ...

caution: do not cross

2009-11-21T02:00:00.000-06:00

I know you can't generalize based off one, or two ... or a million experiences because you could have that one time where it's actually not so bad.

However, I'm feeling quite justified in pulling my 24-hour-fitness-explosive-episode on the lady in charge of billing at the doctor's office I went to.

I guess I'm a quiet person. Don't really say much. I'm pretty passive. But I have this point, this line ... where I will go Incredible-Hulk on their bums.

Pathetically, I cry every time I have to resort to that ... from which, I believe we can conclude I could never be an evil dictator ... ;)

more cast painting

2009-11-12T00:01:00.000-06:00

My mom gets her cast off tomorrow, but I thought I would paint one more thing ... the Broncos logo:

so ronery

2009-11-04T16:09:00.001-06:00

If I had money right now, I'd travel around the United States seeing people I miss. My old roommates from New York, my friends in Las Vegas, and other miscellaneous people I've met along the way. I just feel so alone here.

On another note - my mom let me paint on her cast:

For some reason, I love drawing flowers ... and, right now, specifically lilies.

what's new

2009-11-03T01:28:00.000-06:00

Nothing new or different going on ...

... therefore, nothing to write about.

more painting

2009-10-18T17:11:00.001-05:00

Two paintings I did yesterday ... (also for Aziz):

Bob Marley

Tupac

fighting the paint army

2009-10-16T05:08:00.001-05:00

The thing about art is ... you may become inspired at the oddest hours.

Another 2 AM painting for Aziz ... Bob Dylan:

grumble grumble

2009-10-01T02:23:00.000-05:00

I sit here trying to finish a degree I don't want, which is only being haulted by a bloody research paper. This is, however, the biggest project of my life, thus far. And while this research can have quite the impact on drug rehabilitation, it truly doesn't motivate me ... all I want to do is write creatively, paint, and play guitar.

You can do that on the side, I'm constantly told. But criminal justice no longer has my heart - although, quite honestly, it may have never had my heart - I just wasn't willing to embrace what I truly loved for fear of failing at it. There is something there though. If not talent, at least a fire, at least passion.

I've come too far to throw it away though (as I would love to do - preferably in a fire pit). So until then, I'm stuck reading and writing the most boring thing everrrrrrrrrr. All the while, everyone else is moving on with their lives - getting married, having children, working ... building that one thing that we all strive for whether we realize it or not ... stability - financially, mentally ... reproductively (hehe, perhaps).

Granted, I've always marched to the beat of my own drummer ... and my life goals (whatever they may be) are not defined by traditional and societal expectations ...

For now, this is all rambling nonsense ... partly induced by the fact I forgot to take my medication today ... good going, Self. Good going. *sigh*

...

2009-09-17T00:48:00.000-05:00

So I'm waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly

- "November" by Azure Ray

stuck

2009-09-06T00:14:00.000-05:00

I'm back in Orange County.

The move was incredibly stressful.

Sad panda to the nth power.

for Aziz

2009-08-18T11:37:00.001-05:00

Aziz just moved into a new apartment this month. I asked him to send me a picture of his place. When I mentioned that the walls were too empty, he suggested that I make something for him. He's been a fan of Michael Jackson for as long as I can remember ... so I painted this for him (acrylic on canvas - 16 x 20). I just need to put a coat of varnish to protect the paint and sign the bottom.

more packing

2009-08-08T23:30:00.000-05:00

I didn't get the job in Texas. That, on top of a load of other things, has made me a very sad panda. I tried to keep myself busy today by driving around, but I ran out of places to go.

Anyway, I've packed 9 boxes (and 2 plastic crates of books, and 2 banker's boxes - one with art supplies and the other with all the work I've done during this degree) ... as seen below. [I doodle on the boxes ... *shrug*]

the call that woke me up

2009-07-30T13:40:00.000-05:00

Well ... I have a job interview in Texas on Tuesday.

*crosses fingers*

concert!!

2009-07-25T02:03:00.001-05:00

At 1 AM, I decided that it was ridiculous that I hadn't bought a ticket to see one of my favorite bands, Lacuna Coil. They're from Italy and the last time I tried to see them, the concert was sold out.

I had so much fun, even though I went alone. It was at the House of Blues (which is inside the Mandalay Bay). I'm so glad that I went - I think I would have kicked myself in the butt if I missed this.

influenza'd

2009-07-13T16:48:00.000-05:00

I've been at home sick with the flu since Friday. It's kind of kicking my butt.

Don't really have much else to say ... just tired of feeling like this.

the weekend

2009-04-20T17:53:00.000-05:00

My friend flew in from Orange County on Thursday and spent the weekend with me. I had a lot of fun with her and was quite sad when she left.

Some of the things we did this weekend:

I was so tired on Sunday ... I'm not accustomed to being out in the world. ;)

just so you know

2009-04-16T00:09:00.001-05:00

Downtown San Luis Obispo

I just have a better spelling of it. ;)

the adventure

2009-04-12T21:14:00.000-05:00

Spring break in list form:

Drove from Las Vegas to Orange County
Took my car to the mechanic
Bought a dress (I don't even know how that happened)
Drove from Orange County to Santa Clara
Enjoyed some girl time =)
Drove from Santa Clara to San Luis Obispo
Had frozen yogurt 4 days in a row (worth every stomach ache)
Met brother's roommates and friends
Climbed Bishop's Peak (and entertained Kareem with commentary)
Had a bbq and bonfire with brother and his friends
Tried an interesting topping on a hamburger ... and it was delicious!
Drove from San Luis Obispo to Las Vegas
Wished my car had "autopilot"

Now to regain feeling in my legs and return to laundry, grocery shopping, and the likes.

3 years later

2009-03-25T22:42:00.000-05:00

Finally framed my BA diploma ... 3 years after I graduated. And I'm such a dork - I'm seriously that excited ... =)

painting

2009-03-11T17:03:00.000-05:00

Here's the painting I've been working on and just finished today.

Acrylic on a 9 X 12 canvas. =)

umm ...

2008-12-17T15:50:00.000-06:00

... it's snowing. =)

Leaving footprints ...

... and handprints ...

My apartment is on the second floor.

View from my apartment

making a home

2008-12-09T16:38:00.000-06:00

Here are updated pictures of my apartment (minus the bedrooms).

yay =)

2008-12-02T22:14:00.000-06:00

I successfully defended my proposal this morning. Yay! I felt more nervous than I do singing in front of people. I knew I was ready - it was just a bit nerve racking. Afterwards, I came home and snuggled under a blanket on my couch.

I feel like I've been in this constant mental overload. Now, I have even more work to do for my actual thesis. However, before then, I still have a research paper to write and a final to take before this semester is over.

best gift ever

2008-11-26T18:54:00.000-06:00

Kareem bought me this for my birthday (along with some other things).

It actually works! I absolutely love it. =)

progress (finally)

2008-11-24T19:14:00.001-06:00

I sent my thesis proposal to my committee today and I'm currently working on my presentation for my defense. =) Yay.

date confirmed

2008-11-10T18:11:00.000-06:00

I'm defending my research proposal on December 2nd.

Oh goodness.

career tombstone

2008-10-26T13:14:00.001-05:00

For Halloween, there are tombstones, such as this one, placed throughout the entire campus ...

... as if I didn't have enough doubts.

camera phone

2008-10-19T19:52:00.000-05:00

UNLV through the camera on my phone

... palm trees and the desert ...

... in front of one side of the library ...

... forgot which building that is ...

... dining area in the student union ...

... seeking adventure in the library ...

a note

2008-09-21T12:56:00.000-05:00